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https://www.duolingo.com/altland

need some jokes for a little pick me up

really need a pick me up anyone have any jokes to offer. ANY!!

2 years ago

31 Comments


https://www.duolingo.com/DuoFlash
DuoFlash
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An Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. He hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since the Englishman was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage. They were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and said, "Mira el mosca!" The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity, replied, "No, señor, 'la mosca'... es feminina." The Englishman looked at him, then back at the fly, and then said, "Good heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight."

In the qualifiers for an international football competition the team could either win the next match and thus their group or with any other result end on a playoff place - which would mean matches against a strong French team. The Team knew that this match was very important: to win or Toulouse.

A proton walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks up and says, "Are you sure you want that?" The proton replies, "I'm positive."

Argon walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve noble gases here!" Argon doesn't react.

2 years ago

https://www.duolingo.com/altland

lol I just want to say thank you to everyone who posted a comment to this discussions enjoy your lingots

2 years ago

https://www.duolingo.com/DuoFlash
DuoFlash
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Thanks! Whenever I need a laugh, I do the Flirting skill in any language; it always cracks me up.

2 years ago

https://www.duolingo.com/altland

thanks i'll try that

2 years ago

https://www.duolingo.com/gabrielarm0423

I've taken up speed reading. I can read "War And Peace" in twenty seconds. its only three words but it's a start!

2 years ago

https://www.duolingo.com/altland

it takes me 5 lol :)

2 years ago

https://www.duolingo.com/VanKoevering

Guy's walking down the street when a prostitute offers to do anything for $50.

"Anything?" he asks.

"Anything," she agrees eagerly.

He thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Paint my house."

2 years ago

https://www.duolingo.com/altland

:)

2 years ago

https://www.duolingo.com/KOokey_Pokey

A guy walks into Burger King, he sees dirty washrooms, bad food and mean cashiers. He says to the manager, "Man, now I know why the Burger Queen left you."

2 years ago

https://www.duolingo.com/KOokey_Pokey

I know it seems bad but I made it up on the spot.

2 years ago

https://www.duolingo.com/DuoFlash
DuoFlash
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Lol! It's actually great!

2 years ago

https://www.duolingo.com/KOokey_Pokey

thx!

2 years ago

https://www.duolingo.com/headlesscookie
headlesscookie
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Hope you're the political sort...
So this first joke is by President Ronald Reagan... modified a bit by me...

A Soviet Kommissar (officer) takes a visit to one of the collective work farms and pulls aside the first worker he sees.
"Comrade," asks the Kommissar, "how are our crops this year?" "Oh, the best so far!" the worker happily exclaims, silently hoping he doesn't get sent to a gulag. "How is the wheat?" the Kommissar asks. "Oh, Kommissar, there's so much!"
"And the onions?"
"Such a high quantity, sir!" "And the potatoes?"
"Oh, Kommissar," the worker happily replies, "if you could stack the potatoes on top of one another, they would reach the foot of God!"

The Kommissar is not pleased with that. "Comrade," he sternly says, "this is the Soviet Union, there is no god." "That's right," the worker replies, "and there's no potatoes!"

OK, one more...

So one night Josef Stalin got really drunk. The next morning he woke up and there was nobody around. So he walked around the Kremlin alone until he heard a phone ring. He picked it up; it was the head of the KGB.
"Sir," the man said, "you got so drunk last night you opened the borders and everyone fled!" "What?!" Stalin cried, "everyone's gone? So it's just you and me left?" "Actually..." the KGB chief said, "I'm calling from Switzerland."

Hope that made your day (or night). Feel better buddy!

2 years ago

https://www.duolingo.com/altland

funny thanks

2 years ago

https://www.duolingo.com/ElizabethKeebler

¿Adónde van los gatos cuando mueren?
purGATOrio

2 years ago

https://www.duolingo.com/altland

that is cute my mom would have laughed at that joke :P

2 years ago

https://www.duolingo.com/Rosebud348

This isn't a joke about foreign languages, but here: A guy walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I'm shrinking! HELP PLEASE!!" To which the doctor replies: "Hold on--you'll just have to be a little patient." I know it's really corny :P Not sure why but corny jokes always seem to crack me up. I hope you feel better :)

2 years ago

https://www.duolingo.com/altland

:)

2 years ago

https://www.duolingo.com/GrandaUrso

I really don't like to tell or hear jokes, it's hard to bear.

2 years ago

https://www.duolingo.com/mizinamo
mizinamo
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your koalafications are irrelephant

2 years ago

https://www.duolingo.com/DuoFlash
DuoFlash
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Lol!

2 years ago

https://www.duolingo.com/altland

:D

2 years ago

https://www.duolingo.com/mizinamo
mizinamo
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  • ¿Cual animal anda con una pata?
  • Un pato.

(Which animal walks on one leg? A duck.)

The joke being that "una pata" is "one leg" (of an animal) or "a female duck".

2 years ago

https://www.duolingo.com/Craig1985Scott

I had to sell my vacuum cleaner yesterday.

I mean it was just gathering dust.

2 years ago

https://www.duolingo.com/altland

:)

2 years ago

https://www.duolingo.com/EYF2003
EYF2003
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why

2 years ago

https://www.duolingo.com/altland

just having a bad day you know the type of day when nothing goes right and it feels like the world is against you :(

2 years ago

https://www.duolingo.com/gabrielarm0423

love this joke! Una tartaruga sta attraversando la strada quando è aggredito da due lumache . Quando la polizia si presentano , gli chiedono cosa è successo. Le risposte tartaruga scosso : "Io non lo so. E 'successo tutto così in fretta . "

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

2 years ago

https://www.duolingo.com/altland

;P

2 years ago

https://www.duolingo.com/gabrielarm0423

btw the first part of the joke is in Italian

2 years ago

https://www.duolingo.com/altland

that makes sense some of the words look familiar i just started Italian

2 years ago