My new poem "I saw a holy way"
I saw a holy way
Solemn and mighty
I found my way
In the fog of time
My way is special
Beyond all dream
As long as any stories
Or travel you can think
As wide as any halls
Or land on the earth
As far as any stars
Or heaven in the sky
I can see that brightness
Stronger than the sun
Or as clean and fine
As the moonlight
I can hear that calling
As song of epic
Or music of wind
Singing in my life
As an English learner, I like writing very much. I have created a VK account for this purpose. if you like, you can follow me. and we can also communicate, about English, Chinese, poetry, or other :)
I love poetry and this is very good:) we have a gentle soul here on DL, now don't we? :D this world of harsh and bad words needs this poetic refreshment nowadays...it's nice to see someone actually commit oneself to poetry combined with languages,I love it..keep it up:) and enjoy a couple of lingots from me!! xo
I agree writing poetry is a feat in itself and to write in a language you're in the process of learning is just impressive.I was actually looking forward to another work from you,A-Self. :)
LittlemissLia has already mentioned but i'd like to add it would be better if you changed the 'bright' in the fourth stanza to 'brightness',or added a noun for example 'light' i.e 'bright light'. The word 'bright' acts as an adjective (a word describing a noun or pronoun),but since a noun is absent adding -ness will make 'bright' itself a noun,completing the verse.
Also,a suggestion, you can switch the 3rd and 4th verses with each other in the same stanza,so the properties are named first before the subject/noun,just to make it seem more structural.Like this :
Or as clean and fine As the moonlight
Clean and fine As the moonlight
Hope you don't mind the correction.Good work,keep it up.
“I found the my way” should instead be “I found my way” or “I found the way”. Using both ‘the’ and ‘my’ is repetitive.
In “I can see that bright” the word ‘bright’ should be ‘brightness’. The ‘-ness’ turns ‘bright’ into a noun. (In poetry, it might be okay to leave it as ‘bright’, but I wanted to let you know just in case.)
take out the word "holy"...it's meaningless and only refers to those who engage in religious nonsense........
Be less negative and be more positive please. That was a little harsh don't you think?
It doesn't matter, thank you for your suggestion, I will use these words more cautiously in the future.