Un poema (?) - en español
entre el deseo
y la realidad;
entre lo que existió
y lo que nunca existirá.
Un acuerdo del absurdo.
Y luego, el silencio…
Al lado del lago, como antes;
pensando, como antes;
perdido, como antes;
estás en busca del niño que una vez fuiste.
Y, de repente,
en el espejo del agua,
estás allí :
sin alterar, sin dudas, sin esperanzas.
Sí, como antes.
¿Quién te está mirando?
¿Quién es este extraño
que lleva tu ropa
Pero, lo sabes :
no importa cuántas veces mueres,
en tus sueños,
de este cuerpo, ¡tú nunca te escaparás!
Y por eso,
inventas filosofías, falsas,
buscas un significado que siempre ha estado ausente,
y acabas cambiando de idioma,
para que nadie vea tu tristeza.
P.S. : Feel free to correct me, in case you notice anything off. :-)
To be able to write poetry in another language shows a fair amount of mastery of the language. Great job. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks a lot!
I love languages and I love writing, too. So, I guess it's inevitable. :-)
(I've already published a novel in my mother tongue, greek - though I've also been writing in English and French...)
Estoy encantado por sus palabras- un poema lleno de imágenes, y sentimientos. ¡me gustó tanto!
This is great, I love it! I can't believe how good your Spanish is! Just a small correction at the end
Y acabas cambiando de idioma. And the accent of the "Quién" word, it must have it if it's at the beginning of a question.
Also the picture is very touching, where did you get it from?
Thanks a lot! Regarding "cambiando de", I suspected that, but I wasn't 100% sure. As for "quien", I missed that - thanks for letting me know!
P.S. I can't really remember about the image - but I can send it to you if you wish. (Published it on my blog too, so that was pretty much like... accompanying artwork... :-) )
Fantastic work and I almost feel ridiculous pointing out supposed errors, but I would go for "existía" instead of "existió".
I'll recommend, then, that you check out "The Essential Neruda - Selected Poems" edited by Mark Eisner, with various translators. The translations are opposite the Spanish original. Neruda's kind of . . . a downer very often. I was amazed that I could actually understand 90% of the Spanish straight off, and even to question some of the translators' choices! My favorite bit so far occurs far, far into a long, sad, lonely (of course) poem called Barcarola, and is actually thrilling when it happens:
Quieres ser el fantasma que sople, solitario, cerca del mar su esteril, triste instrumento? Si solamente llamaras, su prolongado son, su malefico pito, su orden de olas heridas, alguien vendria acaso, alguien vendria, desde las cimas de las islas, desde el fondo rojo del mar, alguien vendria, alguien vendria.
Sorry I can't do the accents on this keyboard.
Good grief - Duolingo turned all my perfect separate lines into one long probably confusing sentence.
DuoLingo uses MarkDown (http://daringfireball.net/projects/markdown/syntax), so in order it for it to preserve your new-lines, all you have to do is add a few spaces (2+) at the end of each line. :-)
P.S. In the same fashion, you may also use bold/italics and much more. (Just take a look into the syntax reference)
Let me make some suggestions, though in poetry is more difficult to say what is wrong and right...
Somos puentes; entre el deseo y la realidad; entre lo que existió y lo que nunca existirá.
Un acuerdo del absurdo. -->acuerdo = recuerdo (?) Y luego, el silencio…
Al lado del lago, como antes; --> al lado --> junto (o es una cuestión de sílabas?) pensando, como antes; perdido, como antes; estás en busca del niño que una vez eras. --> estás en busca / buscas (al) / estás a la búsqueda/ estás buscando/ or perhaps just "en busca" ///// .. que una vez eras --> que una vez fuiste
Y, de repente, en el espejo del agua, estás allí : (allí estás... not incorrect, I believe you're looking for the effect) sin alterar, sin dudas, sin esperanzas. (y could be missing... but poetry licences :)) Sí, como antes.
¿Quién eres? ¿Quién te está mirando? (Quién te mira flows perhaps better, but just an opinion ;)) ¿Quién es este extraño que lleva tu ropa (in poetry you could say: que tu ropa lleva , seems to flow better) y roba tus recuerdos? (the same, you may exchange the two verses)
Pero, lo sabes : no importa cuántas veces mueres, en tus sueños, de este cuerpo, ¡tú nunca te escaparás! (yo may leave te out to make it shorter, meaning is not changed)
Y por eso, inventas filosofías, falsas, (falsas filosofías?) buscas un significado que siempre ha estado ausente, y acabas cambiando de idioma, para que nadie vea tu tristeza.
Thanks a lot for your comments, though I wouldn't disagree that poetry is not the easiest thing to... review, in any language - even when it is your mother tongue. To be honest, my main goal was that the poem (it just happened, I usually write prose... :-) is grammatically correct and coherent. Regarding expressiveness I guess this has to do with what (and how) I wanted to express at the time of writing...
Now, as for your remarks, which are indeed insightful, let me comment on one thing :
Like 99% of what you mentioned is exactly the same in greek (my mother tongue), and that's one of the things I simply love about spanish : the ability to play with word order, with meanings, with complex syntax the same way I'd do it in greek, without making a mess out of it. (Honestly, the two languages, although seemingly very different, share too much of their inner "structure" and "dynamics" - not to mention the phonemes which are almost identical - it's the only language a Greek person can instantly speak at a very good level without having to change the way his... mouth moves. At all. Lol)
I suppose you get my point.
Thanks again for your comments and for spending time on helping me! :-)
You're welcome :)
Although I am not a big poetry fan myself, I do appreciate that somebody takes the time to work on the language they want to use to communicate an idea. Up to a certain extent I believe I developed this after I started writing technical papers, as conveying your idea to the paper is your only chance to explain yourself.
Explaining subtle ideas or slightly different mood changes is difficult in any language, but in a foreign one, it gets very tricky. Thus I find your effort remarkable .
I am somewhat ashamed to confess that my only brush with Greek does not go beyond the alphabet, using it for physics and occasional discussions on how XI and X (as in LateX) are pronounced, yet I do get your point and I happy to find people that has a deep interest on the playfulness of the language ;)
Any time ;)
Well, as far as language learning goes, even though I've had a "formal" education in English and French (I'm actually a certified tutor in both of them), what really makes the difference is how much you really use a language. To be perfectly honest, if it wasn't for my profession (I'm a programmer, and you know... most days my communications is like 90% in English and 10% in Greek), my level would have never been the same. :-)
As for "playing" with a language, I think that's what differentiates someone who "speaks" a language and someone who's really got a grasp of it. It took me several years to achieve that in English, though as I've already said, Spanish is the one that really amazed me : at times, it looks like a word-for-word translation from greek, not to mention that already speaking french (and italian, though not at such an advanced level), makes 90% of all words instantly recogniseable. :-)
P.S. In case you ever need any help with... greek, let me know! ;-) lol
¡El poema es maravilloso! Lo entendí todo, y las palabras son bonitas. Gracias por ayudar, drkamelon. Siete lingotes para ti.
Eres un buen poeta, soy hablante nativo de español y no vi ningún error ¿Ya has leído a Rubén Darío?
¡Muchas gracias! :-)
Desafortunadamente, no, no he leido a Dario. En general, mi relación con la literatura española no es la mejor, porque... no sabía la gran belleza de esta lengua ...
Sobresaliente, dificilmente algun nativo hispano hablante se acercaria a lo bien escrito que están tus versos, apreciado drkameleon.
Wow! Took me some time to translate it (my spanish is still very lacking), and wow! I love writing, but writing in another language that is not your own? So impressive :D
Thanks a lot! Although I've ended up speaking like over 10 languages, I recently realized what my trick was, from the very beginning, even though a semi-conscious one :
Not just learn a language, but immerse yourself into it : read books, watch movies, find any material you can (e.g. I'm a huge wikipedia addict, and for the last month everything I've been reading is in its spanish version - why not?!) and more importanly think in it. If you achieve that last step, then expressing yourself in ... written form is not that much differerent! :-)
P.S. Just noticed you're living in Madrid, but are not a native speaker?! How come?! Btw, I myself am planning to move to Spain (Catalunya?), by next year. lol
Well, there might be no... Greece either, so that's ok! lol
P.S.(I) Hmmm... Now that I'm rethinking about it : you're talking about Catalunya's upcoming referendum, right? I thought that was not to be held, nope?
P.S.(II) Are you from Spain?
I only just moved here. Started learning Spanish when I arrived here in April. It was a really sudden change, so I didn't have any time to learn it before hand. So far so good, and I manage to have conversations (albeit badly worded ones) with the locals here :D