Yes and no. The original Klingon sentence mentions Mara's situation first and then Torg's situation. Your suggestion contains the same information, but mentions Torg's situation first and then Mara's situation. There are times when the person saying the original sentence may have put them specificially in that order for some particular effect - maybe they wanted you to see what Mara was understanding before they drew your attention to Torg's lack of understanding. It is good translation form to keep things in the same order when the grammar will allow it and only change the order when the grammar requires it.
In addition, there is a tendency for students to try to translate from the back instead of in the order that the information is presented in. This is a mistake since Klingon is spoken from left to right and you will not have the luxury of reading from the back in spoken Klingon. It is better to get used to the Klingon word order and learn to understand the sentence from the front to the back even though some things are in a different order.
Thus we do not accept the sentence you have suggested for the Klingon sentence given.