Oi pessoal, tudo bem? :)
Sou Niv de Israel, estou aprendendo o português. Eu fiz um poema, me ficaria feliz se vocês me corrigem e dêem sua opinião. Obrigado de antemão! :)
Ficava ali deitando pelo mar, As cores do céu me deixam a espantar, Com o cheiro de liberdade no ar, Uma imagem de mil palavras para falar, Na linha entre realidade e sonhar, E sempre que meus olhos feichar, De novo, aquele momento, aquele lugar.
Obrigado por me ouvirem :)
Hello, Niv. I'm glad you're enjoying your Portuguese studies and that you're even trying to write some poetry (it was a good call to use verbs as a way to make rhymes).
Let me start by correcting your first sentence before the poem (additions in italic, corrections in bold):
- Sou Niv de Israel, estou aprendendo o português. Eu fiz um poema e ficaria feliz se vocês me corrigissem e dessem sua opinião. Obrigado de antemão! :)
Ficar is not a reflexive verb; and "se" brings the other two verbs to the realm of the subjunctive.
Now your poem:
- Ficava ali deitado no mar (If you mean a single moment in time, you should use "Fiquei" instead)
- As cores do céu me deixam espantado (Is the verb supposed to be in the present? If so, it doesn't really match the first line; regarding "espantar", I assume you meant you're enchanted/entranced by them)
- Com o cheiro de liberdade no ar
- Uma imagem de mil palavras para falar (hard to say what you mean by that, it's rather vague or maybe you're not using the verb "falar" correctly)
- Na linha entre realidade e sonhar (in proper speech "sonho" would be better to have matching nouns, but poetry is much more flexible so the message is perfectly clear as is)
- E sempre que os meus olhos fechar
- De novo, (em) aquele momento, (em) aquele lugar (not sure if you mean "in that moment, in that place" or just "that moment, that place")
It's a very lovely poem - I've written a few myself, so I can tell - but you should definitely keep in mind that poetry can be much more flexible than regular speech (in terms of word order, noun placement and usage, and so on) so there are a few things you were allowed here that would sound "poetic" elsewhere.
Boa sorte com seus estudos :)
Oh, beautiful poem, I felt something into my heart.
Ficava ali deitado no mar
As cores do céu me deixavam espantado
Com o cheiro de liberdade no ar
Uma imagem de mil palavras para falar
Na linha entre realidade e sonho
E sempre que meus olhos fecharem
De novo, aquele momento, aquela lugar.
Luis_Domingos I assume that Nivkotzer wanted to do the poem in the past, so I left in the past. But the two last lines are in the present. However, I'm in doubt if the last line has crase, So it would look like: De novo, àquele momento, àquele lugar.
Your corrections make perfect sense - thanks for your input! I justified leaving "sonhar" with poetic license and I don't think that's objectionable (you see poets tinkering with the language all the time just to fit inside a given metric or rhyming scheme); regarding "fechar vs. fecharem", I left it that way because it could be a different use of future subjunctive (sempre que eu fechar meus olhos...), but I agree yours is probably the most plausible answer.
I hope you don't mind if I correct your English as well, but "felt something inside" (or deep inside) would work better in this instance, and you need a pronoun after "left" (I left it).
No problem if you correct me. I'm still learning, so I enjoy when someone help me. Thank you Luis_Domingo.
Thats soooooooo cuteeeeeeee!!!!